There is hope. I have a good male friend who became estranged from his daughter 6 years ago. Last month he happily reported that she responded to an invite he sent her to visit him and bake with him. They spent a wonderful evening together baking. This was a major breakthrough and he was on cloud nine talking about it.
I’m so sorry your daughter has chosen to cut you out of her life. You did not deserve this. It seems that our society is loosing the ability to forgive those who have loved them the most. All relationships require forgiveness as we can’t read each others’ minds and there will be times when we slightly offend or hurt someone close to us. Forgiveness is good for the soul!
Very very painful to read your story. As a mother of two girls, I cannot imagine the pain you have suffered for three years. This is a brave step you are taking towards healing - even just writing about it and putting it out there. I truly hope you find peace and someday she will come back to you. Sending you all my strength and love, you don’t deserve this. ❤️
I am so sorry for this painful loss. I admire your response to form this group. I hope it offers young others much healing. And I hope G wakes up some day.
This is so painful. Enmeshment in mother-only child/daughter relationships often leads to violent all or nothing divorce. Time will heal. In the meantime, take care of yourself and do independent things.
It seems that you have tried not to be authoritarian in your parenting style but that some of your family think that you have been perhaps overly permissive. That could have led, along with other things, to your daughter becoming perhaps a little entitled and self-absorbed.You seem to bave been motivated by your daughter's best interests. Nonetheless, i get the sense, and I could be wrong, that your daughter, having accused you of emotional abuse, would characterize you as being somewhat controlling, manipulative, unempathic and judgemental. I am not agreeing with her but merely saying what I think she would say. I would suggest that you make no attempts initially now to contact your daughter but instead use the approach described by Davud Burns in his now rather old best-selling book "Feeling Good" as "enlightened manipulation." Specifically, reward and reinforce every approach behavior. Do not criticize your daughter at all. Focus on increasing the frequency of her approach behaviors. Most importantly, read, and watch, whatever you can by Ellis on interpersonal relationships and how to stop people pushing your buttons. Find a good REBT therapist. To begin to understand what has happened to your daughter read the article at the link below:
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I don't believe however that she was "coddled" rather our goal was to support and love her unconditionally. I too object to the young adults who are now attending college and can't tolerate any emotional distress. They required trigger warnings.This is the generation that describes "trauma" as anything that has been done to them that caused then emotional discomfort. Life is messy. Life is hard. Life isn't always fair. Children need to learn those realities and find healthy ways to cope. They will experience stress throughout their lives. Rather than teach them to avoid any emotional distress, our job as parents is to provide good tools that help them learn to cope with these difficult emotions.
You might not have coddled her Michelle but I wonder about what might have happened to her at school and university. I also would not rule out that she might have go been caught up in some sort of cult.
Hello. I join you in being among the 1 in 4. If it is a "silent epidemic" could that be due to the fact that people who want to speak about it are very often silenced?
Have you seen this guy: Toby Rodgers. PhD in Political Economy; dissertation on Autism. Seriously and carefully - to the neuro-chemical level - argues that the "epidemic" of broken relationships is largely due to neuro-poisoning; principally by vaccines.
"Taylor Swift is way too hard on herself in that “Antihero” song. Yes, all of her relationships fail. That’s because her entire generation was poisoned (72 times) by Pharma. Kinda hard to build lasting bonds with no dendrites. You’re not the problem sister, it’s Pharma."
"We know that mercury kills the dendrites necessary to process emotions including empathy. Over the last three years, it seems that mainstream society has lost the ability to process logic and reason. ... Resolution is impossible because we are not having the same conversation. Lots of people ... argue that this is the result of ideology but I am arguing that it is also the result of neurological injury. "
Yes, it's all devastating. An argument against the vaccines however is that this statistic, 1 in 4 families, was determined PRE covid. (I have been a strong supporter of medical freedom and am unvaccinated) The first therapist I worked with, after this first happened, said that she thought it was a "generational" issue. Essentially what I consider normal behavior and interaction with my daughter may not fit with her standards of what's acceptable. I dismissed this initially as I could easily say the same thing about my parents. My father served in WWII so that should give you an idea of his cultural beliefs at that time. As I got older, often when my parents shared their feelings with me, of course I listened, out of respect, but I certainly remember rolling my eyes once I turned away from view. I was raised to respect authority and my elders....period. Today's young adults don't appear to agree with that. My daughter is 47 so she certainly knows better but she's a very bright, independent woman who has always had a mind of her own. I remember when she was a child, I tried to instill in her that how we deal with family is different than our expectations with friends. Family is family. She never accepted that. She had a pattern of writing people of. I have to confess that in my earlier years, I was a grudge holder myself. Thanks for sharing your experience. Needless to say, I sympathize with you. To lose one's child, through death or estrangement, is a devastating situation. As she is my only child, it means my role as a mother is gone. I can say however that after 3 years and 3 months, I don't think of her every hour of every day. She doesn't even come to mind daily, which as horrible as that feels on the one hand, it's a relief at this point. I realize that my feeling pain and suffering certainly won't change the status quo. It will just make me miserable and perhaps ill.
I don't know what value a, call it, population level viewpoint has (such as I suggested). In the end, and in the beginning, it's your pain and it HURTS! - And it always will.
Probably more value in comparing case to case. My case is siblings all four of them. You tell people about your case and they shake their heads trying to make sense of it. I tell people about mine and (literally sometimes) their jaws drop. 21 months, I gave up my life and cared for our elderly mother (and held her hand as she died) and their response was 21 months of astonishingly cruel and vicious emotional abuse (physical abuse in one instance) up to and including the days in which our mother lay dying in front of us - in her presence they would not stop.
That's a big difference between us - But it's no difference - it HURTS - And it always will.
Still, we live in the stream of history. Perhaps as a psychotherapist you are inclined to a narrow focus; I have some background in sociology and political theory so my view may be wider if less fine tuned. Excuse my perhaps overwrought line of thought: but I think vaccines are an act of war against populations; I think the link between vaccines an autism is undeniable. Autism is in many instances a vaccine injury.
The brother who was perhaps the cruelest has two sons one, perhaps both are autistic. That cannot have been easy for him. I perhaps followed a safer course and had no children.
That was now almost five years ago. I am healing some and I hope you continue to do so as well.
I feel your pain. I'm sorry if I neglected to fully explain. I believe these injections have cause profound harm. They are also responsible for the rift between family members. I have no doubt about that. I was just trying to explain that it wasn't a factor with my daughter. It certainly made things worse with her but she was not happy with me before Covid. Her closest friend is severely ill with an autoimmune disease. She took extreme caution during Covid as he was her one daily contact. She really wanted us to get vaccinated. I explained to her that since her dad's cancer diagnosis, we had to be careful about experiment agents. That was the first time, in her adult life, that we refused her request. Could that have made things worst? Of course it could. But I honestly don't believe Covid was responsible for her unwarranted behavior toward me and later her dad.
You sound like such a gentle and caring soul. You deserved better - far better. I have repeatedly heard how family members took sides against anyone who didn't comply. I'm so sorry it affected you. Here's a thought - send your brother Turtles All The Way Down anonymously. Even if he only reads the first chapter, he'll know why his sons have been harmed. I urge everyone reading this to listen to the well respected Harvard psychologist Dr. Robert Epstein. First check out his wikipedia. The man's reputation cannot be challenged. Then watch him being interviewed by Russell Brand. I have mixed feeling about Russell personally BUT it's critical for everyone to be aware of what google is doing around the globe and the impact they are having on every citizen around the globe.
Since she is an only daughter, I'm assuming the person referred to variously in the article as "G," "J," and "D" is all the same person?
The biggest hint I got out of your article is that your parents (very gently) suggested you were "too devoted." You describe a phenomenal level of closeness in your family, which might be experienced as supportive and smothering at the same time. Perhaps she just needed more distance from you for a while, and getting angry at you was the only way she could figure out how to do it.
I have a young cousin who is completely estranged from her mother (who is my first cousin.) She runs a business online "counseling" young people to completely cut family members out of their lives, despite the fact that she has no training or qualifications for offering counseling. I'm mentioning this just to point out that there are powerful online networks encouraging people do this, as a "solution" to other problems in their lives.
Thank you David. Yes, it's very hard to understand how something like that could have happened. She subsequently estranged from her father as well which was even more unexpected than her reaction to me. She and I had had some tension over recent years but she was quite devoted to her father, without the periodic mother/daughter issues. My niece, who is a social worker, recently shared with me that she suspects my daughter has been "negatively influenced" by someone, perhaps a friend or counselor.
There is hope. I have a good male friend who became estranged from his daughter 6 years ago. Last month he happily reported that she responded to an invite he sent her to visit him and bake with him. They spent a wonderful evening together baking. This was a major breakthrough and he was on cloud nine talking about it.
I’m so sorry your daughter has chosen to cut you out of her life. You did not deserve this. It seems that our society is loosing the ability to forgive those who have loved them the most. All relationships require forgiveness as we can’t read each others’ minds and there will be times when we slightly offend or hurt someone close to us. Forgiveness is good for the soul!
Yes, forgiveness is essential as we humans are far from perfect beings.
Michelle
Very very painful to read your story. As a mother of two girls, I cannot imagine the pain you have suffered for three years. This is a brave step you are taking towards healing - even just writing about it and putting it out there. I truly hope you find peace and someday she will come back to you. Sending you all my strength and love, you don’t deserve this. ❤️
Thanks for your heartfelt support. I appreciate it. My research suggests that the average estrangement lasts 4 years. That gives me some hope.
I am so sorry for this painful loss. I admire your response to form this group. I hope it offers young others much healing. And I hope G wakes up some day.
From your lips......:) Thanks Diane. We both know that our adult daughters can be challenging!
This is so painful. Enmeshment in mother-only child/daughter relationships often leads to violent all or nothing divorce. Time will heal. In the meantime, take care of yourself and do independent things.
It seems that you have tried not to be authoritarian in your parenting style but that some of your family think that you have been perhaps overly permissive. That could have led, along with other things, to your daughter becoming perhaps a little entitled and self-absorbed.You seem to bave been motivated by your daughter's best interests. Nonetheless, i get the sense, and I could be wrong, that your daughter, having accused you of emotional abuse, would characterize you as being somewhat controlling, manipulative, unempathic and judgemental. I am not agreeing with her but merely saying what I think she would say. I would suggest that you make no attempts initially now to contact your daughter but instead use the approach described by Davud Burns in his now rather old best-selling book "Feeling Good" as "enlightened manipulation." Specifically, reward and reinforce every approach behavior. Do not criticize your daughter at all. Focus on increasing the frequency of her approach behaviors. Most importantly, read, and watch, whatever you can by Ellis on interpersonal relationships and how to stop people pushing your buttons. Find a good REBT therapist. To begin to understand what has happened to your daughter read the article at the link below:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I don't believe however that she was "coddled" rather our goal was to support and love her unconditionally. I too object to the young adults who are now attending college and can't tolerate any emotional distress. They required trigger warnings.This is the generation that describes "trauma" as anything that has been done to them that caused then emotional discomfort. Life is messy. Life is hard. Life isn't always fair. Children need to learn those realities and find healthy ways to cope. They will experience stress throughout their lives. Rather than teach them to avoid any emotional distress, our job as parents is to provide good tools that help them learn to cope with these difficult emotions.
You might not have coddled her Michelle but I wonder about what might have happened to her at school and university. I also would not rule out that she might have go been caught up in some sort of cult.
Have you read Gone Girl? I think it would be illuminating.
I'm not familiar with that book. Thanks for the recommendation. I'll definitely check it out.
Hello. I join you in being among the 1 in 4. If it is a "silent epidemic" could that be due to the fact that people who want to speak about it are very often silenced?
Have you seen this guy: Toby Rodgers. PhD in Political Economy; dissertation on Autism. Seriously and carefully - to the neuro-chemical level - argues that the "epidemic" of broken relationships is largely due to neuro-poisoning; principally by vaccines.
Taylor Swift is 33 years old (how old is your daughter?) - Here is an aside by Rodgers on a song of hers: https://tobyrogers.substack.com/p/thinking-points-december-2-2022
"Taylor Swift is way too hard on herself in that “Antihero” song. Yes, all of her relationships fail. That’s because her entire generation was poisoned (72 times) by Pharma. Kinda hard to build lasting bonds with no dendrites. You’re not the problem sister, it’s Pharma."
Here is a more extended piece: https://tobyrogers.substack.com/p/the-great-regression dealing with neuro toxins in general:
"We know that mercury kills the dendrites necessary to process emotions including empathy. Over the last three years, it seems that mainstream society has lost the ability to process logic and reason. ... Resolution is impossible because we are not having the same conversation. Lots of people ... argue that this is the result of ideology but I am arguing that it is also the result of neurological injury. "
It is powerful and frightening argument.
Yes, it's all devastating. An argument against the vaccines however is that this statistic, 1 in 4 families, was determined PRE covid. (I have been a strong supporter of medical freedom and am unvaccinated) The first therapist I worked with, after this first happened, said that she thought it was a "generational" issue. Essentially what I consider normal behavior and interaction with my daughter may not fit with her standards of what's acceptable. I dismissed this initially as I could easily say the same thing about my parents. My father served in WWII so that should give you an idea of his cultural beliefs at that time. As I got older, often when my parents shared their feelings with me, of course I listened, out of respect, but I certainly remember rolling my eyes once I turned away from view. I was raised to respect authority and my elders....period. Today's young adults don't appear to agree with that. My daughter is 47 so she certainly knows better but she's a very bright, independent woman who has always had a mind of her own. I remember when she was a child, I tried to instill in her that how we deal with family is different than our expectations with friends. Family is family. She never accepted that. She had a pattern of writing people of. I have to confess that in my earlier years, I was a grudge holder myself. Thanks for sharing your experience. Needless to say, I sympathize with you. To lose one's child, through death or estrangement, is a devastating situation. As she is my only child, it means my role as a mother is gone. I can say however that after 3 years and 3 months, I don't think of her every hour of every day. She doesn't even come to mind daily, which as horrible as that feels on the one hand, it's a relief at this point. I realize that my feeling pain and suffering certainly won't change the status quo. It will just make me miserable and perhaps ill.
I don't know what value a, call it, population level viewpoint has (such as I suggested). In the end, and in the beginning, it's your pain and it HURTS! - And it always will.
Probably more value in comparing case to case. My case is siblings all four of them. You tell people about your case and they shake their heads trying to make sense of it. I tell people about mine and (literally sometimes) their jaws drop. 21 months, I gave up my life and cared for our elderly mother (and held her hand as she died) and their response was 21 months of astonishingly cruel and vicious emotional abuse (physical abuse in one instance) up to and including the days in which our mother lay dying in front of us - in her presence they would not stop.
That's a big difference between us - But it's no difference - it HURTS - And it always will.
Still, we live in the stream of history. Perhaps as a psychotherapist you are inclined to a narrow focus; I have some background in sociology and political theory so my view may be wider if less fine tuned. Excuse my perhaps overwrought line of thought: but I think vaccines are an act of war against populations; I think the link between vaccines an autism is undeniable. Autism is in many instances a vaccine injury.
The brother who was perhaps the cruelest has two sons one, perhaps both are autistic. That cannot have been easy for him. I perhaps followed a safer course and had no children.
That was now almost five years ago. I am healing some and I hope you continue to do so as well.
I feel your pain. I'm sorry if I neglected to fully explain. I believe these injections have cause profound harm. They are also responsible for the rift between family members. I have no doubt about that. I was just trying to explain that it wasn't a factor with my daughter. It certainly made things worse with her but she was not happy with me before Covid. Her closest friend is severely ill with an autoimmune disease. She took extreme caution during Covid as he was her one daily contact. She really wanted us to get vaccinated. I explained to her that since her dad's cancer diagnosis, we had to be careful about experiment agents. That was the first time, in her adult life, that we refused her request. Could that have made things worst? Of course it could. But I honestly don't believe Covid was responsible for her unwarranted behavior toward me and later her dad.
You sound like such a gentle and caring soul. You deserved better - far better. I have repeatedly heard how family members took sides against anyone who didn't comply. I'm so sorry it affected you. Here's a thought - send your brother Turtles All The Way Down anonymously. Even if he only reads the first chapter, he'll know why his sons have been harmed. I urge everyone reading this to listen to the well respected Harvard psychologist Dr. Robert Epstein. First check out his wikipedia. The man's reputation cannot be challenged. Then watch him being interviewed by Russell Brand. I have mixed feeling about Russell personally BUT it's critical for everyone to be aware of what google is doing around the globe and the impact they are having on every citizen around the globe.
Since she is an only daughter, I'm assuming the person referred to variously in the article as "G," "J," and "D" is all the same person?
The biggest hint I got out of your article is that your parents (very gently) suggested you were "too devoted." You describe a phenomenal level of closeness in your family, which might be experienced as supportive and smothering at the same time. Perhaps she just needed more distance from you for a while, and getting angry at you was the only way she could figure out how to do it.
I have a young cousin who is completely estranged from her mother (who is my first cousin.) She runs a business online "counseling" young people to completely cut family members out of their lives, despite the fact that she has no training or qualifications for offering counseling. I'm mentioning this just to point out that there are powerful online networks encouraging people do this, as a "solution" to other problems in their lives.
Thank you David. Yes, it's very hard to understand how something like that could have happened. She subsequently estranged from her father as well which was even more unexpected than her reaction to me. She and I had had some tension over recent years but she was quite devoted to her father, without the periodic mother/daughter issues. My niece, who is a social worker, recently shared with me that she suspects my daughter has been "negatively influenced" by someone, perhaps a friend or counselor.