Three years ago last month, my adult daughter, whom I’ll refer to as G, became estranged from me. I can’t blame it on the pandemic as it had its roots in other issues. As I was approaching one of those big decade birthdays, I reached out to G and said that I had been doing some soul searching about my life and that I could no longer accept her hurtful behavior toward me. She had repeatedly been hurting my feelings, treating me in unacceptable ways. I acknowledged that obviously she was having issues with me as well and I felt that the best way forward would be to find a good therapist who specialized in mother/daughter relationships. My goal was to find a way to create the healthiest relationship we could imagine so that we could have the most rewarding and fulfilling relationship possible going forward. I offered to do some research and locate a therapist who had the necessary expertise. Alternatively, I would be happy to work with whomever she located, who was qualified in this arena, for therapy. Needless to say, I would pay for the sessions. Much to my shock, that was the end for us. She blew up at me and essentially, long story short, refused to have any contact with me going forward. She also stated that I was not to speak about this with anyone who knew her. Unfortunately, that left out my family and most of my friends but I was prepared to honor her wishes.
There is hope. I have a good male friend who became estranged from his daughter 6 years ago. Last month he happily reported that she responded to an invite he sent her to visit him and bake with him. They spent a wonderful evening together baking. This was a major breakthrough and he was on cloud nine talking about it.
I’m so sorry your daughter has chosen to cut you out of her life. You did not deserve this. It seems that our society is loosing the ability to forgive those who have loved them the most. All relationships require forgiveness as we can’t read each others’ minds and there will be times when we slightly offend or hurt someone close to us. Forgiveness is good for the soul!
Very very painful to read your story. As a mother of two girls, I cannot imagine the pain you have suffered for three years. This is a brave step you are taking towards healing - even just writing about it and putting it out there. I truly hope you find peace and someday she will come back to you. Sending you all my strength and love, you don’t deserve this. ❤️
I am so sorry for this painful loss. I admire your response to form this group. I hope it offers young others much healing. And I hope G wakes up some day.
Aug 8, 2023·edited Aug 8, 2023Liked by Michelle Rabin Ph. D.
This is so painful. Enmeshment in mother-only child/daughter relationships often leads to violent all or nothing divorce. Time will heal. In the meantime, take care of yourself and do independent things.
It seems that you have tried not to be authoritarian in your parenting style but that some of your family think that you have been perhaps overly permissive. That could have led, along with other things, to your daughter becoming perhaps a little entitled and self-absorbed.You seem to bave been motivated by your daughter's best interests. Nonetheless, i get the sense, and I could be wrong, that your daughter, having accused you of emotional abuse, would characterize you as being somewhat controlling, manipulative, unempathic and judgemental. I am not agreeing with her but merely saying what I think she would say. I would suggest that you make no attempts initially now to contact your daughter but instead use the approach described by Davud Burns in his now rather old best-selling book "Feeling Good" as "enlightened manipulation." Specifically, reward and reinforce every approach behavior. Do not criticize your daughter at all. Focus on increasing the frequency of her approach behaviors. Most importantly, read, and watch, whatever you can by Ellis on interpersonal relationships and how to stop people pushing your buttons. Find a good REBT therapist. To begin to understand what has happened to your daughter read the article at the link below:
Hello. I join you in being among the 1 in 4. If it is a "silent epidemic" could that be due to the fact that people who want to speak about it are very often silenced?
Have you seen this guy: Toby Rodgers. PhD in Political Economy; dissertation on Autism. Seriously and carefully - to the neuro-chemical level - argues that the "epidemic" of broken relationships is largely due to neuro-poisoning; principally by vaccines.
"Taylor Swift is way too hard on herself in that “Antihero” song. Yes, all of her relationships fail. That’s because her entire generation was poisoned (72 times) by Pharma. Kinda hard to build lasting bonds with no dendrites. You’re not the problem sister, it’s Pharma."
"We know that mercury kills the dendrites necessary to process emotions including empathy. Over the last three years, it seems that mainstream society has lost the ability to process logic and reason. ... Resolution is impossible because we are not having the same conversation. Lots of people ... argue that this is the result of ideology but I am arguing that it is also the result of neurological injury. "
Since she is an only daughter, I'm assuming the person referred to variously in the article as "G," "J," and "D" is all the same person?
The biggest hint I got out of your article is that your parents (very gently) suggested you were "too devoted." You describe a phenomenal level of closeness in your family, which might be experienced as supportive and smothering at the same time. Perhaps she just needed more distance from you for a while, and getting angry at you was the only way she could figure out how to do it.
I have a young cousin who is completely estranged from her mother (who is my first cousin.) She runs a business online "counseling" young people to completely cut family members out of their lives, despite the fact that she has no training or qualifications for offering counseling. I'm mentioning this just to point out that there are powerful online networks encouraging people do this, as a "solution" to other problems in their lives.
There is hope. I have a good male friend who became estranged from his daughter 6 years ago. Last month he happily reported that she responded to an invite he sent her to visit him and bake with him. They spent a wonderful evening together baking. This was a major breakthrough and he was on cloud nine talking about it.
I’m so sorry your daughter has chosen to cut you out of her life. You did not deserve this. It seems that our society is loosing the ability to forgive those who have loved them the most. All relationships require forgiveness as we can’t read each others’ minds and there will be times when we slightly offend or hurt someone close to us. Forgiveness is good for the soul!
Michelle
Very very painful to read your story. As a mother of two girls, I cannot imagine the pain you have suffered for three years. This is a brave step you are taking towards healing - even just writing about it and putting it out there. I truly hope you find peace and someday she will come back to you. Sending you all my strength and love, you don’t deserve this. ❤️
I am so sorry for this painful loss. I admire your response to form this group. I hope it offers young others much healing. And I hope G wakes up some day.
This is so painful. Enmeshment in mother-only child/daughter relationships often leads to violent all or nothing divorce. Time will heal. In the meantime, take care of yourself and do independent things.
It seems that you have tried not to be authoritarian in your parenting style but that some of your family think that you have been perhaps overly permissive. That could have led, along with other things, to your daughter becoming perhaps a little entitled and self-absorbed.You seem to bave been motivated by your daughter's best interests. Nonetheless, i get the sense, and I could be wrong, that your daughter, having accused you of emotional abuse, would characterize you as being somewhat controlling, manipulative, unempathic and judgemental. I am not agreeing with her but merely saying what I think she would say. I would suggest that you make no attempts initially now to contact your daughter but instead use the approach described by Davud Burns in his now rather old best-selling book "Feeling Good" as "enlightened manipulation." Specifically, reward and reinforce every approach behavior. Do not criticize your daughter at all. Focus on increasing the frequency of her approach behaviors. Most importantly, read, and watch, whatever you can by Ellis on interpersonal relationships and how to stop people pushing your buttons. Find a good REBT therapist. To begin to understand what has happened to your daughter read the article at the link below:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/
Have you read Gone Girl? I think it would be illuminating.
Hello. I join you in being among the 1 in 4. If it is a "silent epidemic" could that be due to the fact that people who want to speak about it are very often silenced?
Have you seen this guy: Toby Rodgers. PhD in Political Economy; dissertation on Autism. Seriously and carefully - to the neuro-chemical level - argues that the "epidemic" of broken relationships is largely due to neuro-poisoning; principally by vaccines.
Taylor Swift is 33 years old (how old is your daughter?) - Here is an aside by Rodgers on a song of hers: https://tobyrogers.substack.com/p/thinking-points-december-2-2022
"Taylor Swift is way too hard on herself in that “Antihero” song. Yes, all of her relationships fail. That’s because her entire generation was poisoned (72 times) by Pharma. Kinda hard to build lasting bonds with no dendrites. You’re not the problem sister, it’s Pharma."
Here is a more extended piece: https://tobyrogers.substack.com/p/the-great-regression dealing with neuro toxins in general:
"We know that mercury kills the dendrites necessary to process emotions including empathy. Over the last three years, it seems that mainstream society has lost the ability to process logic and reason. ... Resolution is impossible because we are not having the same conversation. Lots of people ... argue that this is the result of ideology but I am arguing that it is also the result of neurological injury. "
It is powerful and frightening argument.
Since she is an only daughter, I'm assuming the person referred to variously in the article as "G," "J," and "D" is all the same person?
The biggest hint I got out of your article is that your parents (very gently) suggested you were "too devoted." You describe a phenomenal level of closeness in your family, which might be experienced as supportive and smothering at the same time. Perhaps she just needed more distance from you for a while, and getting angry at you was the only way she could figure out how to do it.
I have a young cousin who is completely estranged from her mother (who is my first cousin.) She runs a business online "counseling" young people to completely cut family members out of their lives, despite the fact that she has no training or qualifications for offering counseling. I'm mentioning this just to point out that there are powerful online networks encouraging people do this, as a "solution" to other problems in their lives.