THE ROLE OF ELDERS IN SOCIETY
Changes in the dynamics between adult children and their parents/grandparents.
I believe a dangerous precedent is happening in America at this time. It’s about the behavior of our grown children and their attitudes and unfortunately their values about us, their parents. I was a child growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. Children were to be seen but not heard essentially. It appears to me that this unreasonable attitude now, paradoxically, applies to the parents of adult children, grandparents, aunts and uncles - essentially those family members who watched this person grow up and hopefully played a positive role in their lives.
I remember during my college years, my parents had a lot to say about many aspects of my life. I lived in a dorm at the time so they certainly weren’t able to have any immediate control over my day to day life. When I returned home on breaks, however, yes, I felt obligated to listen to what they had to say. At that time, I imagine that 90% of what they had to say was not to my liking. Despite that, I dutifully listened to them and once they finished talking, I turned around to leave and rolled my eyes. I had an internal belief that I owed my parents the respect to hear what they had to say. Once I was “of age”, I was no longer obligated to follow their advice, except when it occurred “under their roof” - meaning my boyfriend, who later became my husband, was not allowed to sleep over in my room. I did, nonetheless, continue to listen to their thoughts and feelings that they shared with me. As I got older and became a parent myself, I continued to be respectful, always allowing my parents to share their thoughts and feelings and, interestingly, I only rolled my eyes about 50% of the time. Today, this type of behavior of my parents would be called giving “unsolicited advice”. Boy, do I have a lot to say about that!
If we explore the dynamics of indigenous tribes around the globe, we learn that elders have always played an important role in their tribe/society/community. They always had many, many years of valuable life experiences which included mentoring from their elders as well. This process of passing on learned experiences to the next generation became their responsibility; to share that wisdom with those younger members of their tribes. In some cultures, their wisdom became the rules that others were required to follow. In other cultures, their advice was shared in the same way that a parent teaches their young children. This is safe, this is dangerous. This is good, this is not good. This is kind. This is hurtful. Sometimes the wisdom was initiated by a person asking for advice while sometimes it was simply freely offered. Both were respected. Both were important and necessary.
I look back over my child’s early years and see where I did a great job and also where I could have done better. My mother was essentially not parented at all by her mother in any reasonable sense of the word. She was the last born of her 3 older siblings, with 9 years separating her from her sister. When my mom had me a handful of years after WWII, she essentially did the best she could but had no guidance or role model to assist her. I had my daughter the year before I enrolled into a Ph.D. program so subsequently accumulated a lot of knowledge about developmental issues in childhood. Unfortunately, I was in a demanding graduate program that was 5,000 miles away from friends and family and was parenting with the limited resources that were available to me. I understand this is the same for countless parents who are stretched thin because they lack the community resources or the village of past generations to help raise their child/children. Quite frankly, it is unimaginable to me how a single mom or dad, who has to work to support themselves, survive and manage to produce healthy, thriving children, but they do. Bottom line for me, I believe I was a pretty good mom. As mentioned, I certainly wasn’t perfect but I was aware of the importance of my role as the mother, I loved my daughter more than my life and worked hard to put her needs ahead of my own.
So getting back to the issue at hand - what’s changed within families where adult children no longer feel the need or apparently have the interest to hear what their parents or elders have to say? I believe it goes beyond a lack of interest. Hell, who needs mom or dad when you’ve got google! The passing on of wisdom is now being redefined as unsolicited advice which apparently is extremely dangerous because it interferes with the establishment of healthy boundaries of the adult child. Give me a break! How does a parent, grandparent, or senior family member interfere with the boundaries of their adult family member by sharing their feelings about something, along with an explanation as to why they feel this way? I’m not suggesting that the information is forced on the person with demands for following the advice or suggestion, or adding strings that they attach to the issue in question. I’m simply talking about sharing their feelings and thoughts about a matter that they’re concerned about and asking to be heard. Why is there no longer the basic respect of allowing our seniors to do so? Yes, our adult children welcome our babysitting efforts but they now have strings attached which reads - do not offer any advice or suggestions to me about my child/children. Keep it to yourself grandma/grandpa.
I have seen this dynamic play out over and over again from almost all of my friends who are blessed with having grandchildren. They have clearly gotten the message, do not offer me any advice. Although there is never an overt threat of removing the grandchildren from their lives, that appears to be what’s keeping my friends quietly in line. My sister is a great example. She played a significant role in her 2 grandsons lives. Without her assistance, I believe my niece would not have been able to continue her education and become a social worker. Now the boys are 14 and 18 with the oldest going off to college in the fall. My sister has often commented to me about a concern or issue she has about one of her grandsons and I say, why don’t you talk to Lindsey about that and she’ll say, “It’s none of my business. I can’t say anything”. What I’d like to say is - of course it’s your business, it’s your grandson. You have a right to share your feelings with your daughter in regards to your grandsons. Yes, ultimately Lindsey is the parent and she gets to decide what she feels is in her son’s best interests but perhaps she never thought about this issue in the way you’re suggesting. I firmly believe that you have every right, as an involved grandmother, to share your thoughts and feelings with your daughter. Again, no threats, no demands, just how you feel and why you feel that way and perhaps providing an alternative course of action or help to brainstorm a different option/solution. Haven’t we learned that it takes a village to raise a child? Let’s not make google our village. Today we’re dealing with a google that only provides information that is considered acceptable by governments they have to conform to, or their own corporate interests. I fear that the majority of people don’t realize how much is currently being censored and subsequently kept from them.
My first real introduction to what was happening regarding censorship from the medical community came about 15 years ago. My son-in-law was in medical school at OHSU. He shared with me the disturbing information about a dramatic drop in the quality and quantity of healthy young men’s sperm. Apparently the norms for the amount of live, healthy sperm from a single ejaculation was reduced by about 50% of what had been considered “normal”. Instead of “frightening the public”, he reported that the AMA decided to simply change the “normal” range by lowering it. Now, when healthy young men get their sperm count checked, it continues to fall within the new “normal” range. Nothing worrisome to see here folks. My point is that google won’t tell you about this switcheroo. They’ll simply provide the updated sperm counts without any mention of the norms being changed or why that might be happening. Today, the censorship has been ramped up in all avenues of medicine and politics. Needless to say, this can be an entire topic in and of itself so I’ll stop my rant right here.
I’m eager to read your comments, both from adult children AND their parents and other relatives. Perhaps my biggest lifetime regret is that my only child has decided not to have any children. I thoroughly understand that this is her decision and I’m proud to say I never tried to guilt her into having a child. I believe it is what she needed to do for herself. Unfortunately, all of my grandmother eggs were in her basket. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t have any grandmother cards in the deck but I do have a niece and I have many friends who are holding cards in this game of life. As a retired clinical psychologist, a mother, an aunt, a friend and a very concerned citizen of the world, I do not believe the position of this generation of young parents is best for our universal grandchildren, or the next generation of human beings. I’ve shared my feelings here and now it’s your turn. How do you feel about it?
Michelle - Thank you for bringing up this issue. As we know, at least in the U.S., the elderly have been devalued for decades now. As you indicated, it used to be that we were of value as a source of wisdom and aid to our younger generations. Although that sentiment has been eroding for quite some time now but, as you stated, it appears that the more contemporary younger generations appear to devalue us even more than previous generations did. I would have to say though, that my guess is that this holds truer for more modern western cultures, than for more indigenous or eastern cultures. That makes sense to me because, as you said, the younger generations have the "wisdom" of Google and now ChatGPT etc., whereas the indigenous and eastern cultures still see value in the direct experiences that older people have to share from their own unique perspective.
It reminds me of the stories I have read, over the years, about younger generations of Native Americans who discovered that as a result of the lack of interest in their elders and their tribal histories, they were close to losing their languages and cultures. Consequently, many have begun a campaign of renewal by frantically spending time with the last of their elders who still contain the old knowledge of their tribes, before they die. I remember having met a woman whose father was a university professor of Native American Studies that wrote a multi-volume history of the culture and language of one particular tribe in the Pacific Northwest. She told me that years later the tribe honored her father for saving their culture because the younger generations never bothered to learn any of the history, culture and wisdom of their tribe and now it was preserved in these volumes for those who wanted to renew it.